Let's Talk About Adulting
By Kaitlyn Ender
Let's Talk About... Mental Health
Out of all of the topics featured in this project, mental health received the most responses. Based on this, it's clear that mental health has a great impact on emerging adults from all walks of life. In recent years, there has been an increased awareness about mental health, but it is still highly stigmatized. People are sharing their own mental health stories now more than ever, which can be extremely beneficial for emerging adults that feel alone in their struggles. Keep reading to learn about emerging adult's real experiences with mental health.
TW for this page: suicide, trauma, panic attacks, abuse, eating disorders
Orchid, a 20-year-old direct care worker and fan of thriller novels...
My mental health journey has truly been a journey. Years ago I was diagnosed with depression, a general anxiety disorder, and ADHD. Those are all things that have had hefty impacts on my life for sure. For a long time it wasn’t something I thought deserved attention and deserved to be cared for. It wasn’t until early adulthood when I started taking my mental health issues more seriously and I began caring for my mental health. I’m on medication now that’s helped a tremendous amount. I’m grateful to be where I am and make mental health a priority, but it really is a never ending journey. I plan on starting therapy soon and I’m excited for that.
Wisteria, an 18-year-old interested in painting and the outdoors…
I’ve struggled with my mental health for 5+ years now. depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc. my therapist even thinks I might be slightly autistic. One thing about me that has always been dismissed as childish behavior is my picky eating. Now that I’m 18, I’m being told I’m an adult now and I can’t be such a picky eater, even though I struggle really bad with food. I’ve also fallen deeper into depressive episodes and had more manic episodes as well.
Snowdrop, a 22-year-old aspiring wildland firefighter and lover of the outdoors…
Mental health is a weird topic for me. I been through a lot in high school losing my dad. I honestly shut down when that happened for a long time. I was angry non-stop, I felt helpless. I never showed it because being a guy we don't talk about our feelings. It has affected me to this day with not being able to talk about anything like that because I feel like a bother to people. I learned over the years the more you talk about it the better you feel. I just don't do it well.
Snowdrop, I'm really sorry about your dad's passing and I am also sorry that you felt like you couldn't show your true feelings because of your gender. It's not fair that society puts that expectation on men and it makes zero sense.
As a woman, I've never felt like I couldn't talk about my feelings. I truly can't imagine how it feels for men that are shamed or made fun of for opening up, especially to their friends or family. Anyone that cares about you should understand that we all have feelings and that we need to vent sometimes.
I would like to encourage you to challenge yourself and your belief that you are "a bother" to people. I am willing to bet that if you reached out to a loved one and talked to them about how you're feeling, they would be receptive. I know I would, so feel free to reach out to me anytime!
I would also recommend therapy for anyone that feels like they can't vent about their feelings to friends or family. A therapist gets paid to hear you out, so that should eliminate the worry of bothering them. Therapy has been especially helpful for me when I needed to talk with someone who had a distanced perspective.
Magnolia, a 24-year-old college graduate working full-time…
I have struggled with my mental health since the age of 14 when I was first diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, body dysmorphia, and persistent depressive disorder. I remember my dad hopelessly carrying me into the emergency room, unsure of what to even tell them after my fourth panic attack and third blackout within the span of 48 hours. I also remember how crippling my anxiety made me -- I became severely weak to the point where I couldn’t even hold a pencil to sign my name on paper.
What causes a 14 year old teenager to lose interest in life, to panic out of nowhere, to struggle with their body/self image, and to never be able to relax? Some of it was the result of bullying that I experienced in elementary and middle school, while others were self-inflicted from the pressure of trying to always be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, and student. Although, my parents never pressured me to pursue anything I wasn't passionate about, in fact, their mindset was that they left their country to come to the land of opportunities so that my siblings and I can create the future we want; however, I wanted to give them more and to accomplish a lot. I wanted them to see that I can achieve anything and everything, and I wanted my siblings to be inspired by me. I also wanted to protect my siblings...from the bullying that I was experiencing.
In being bullied, I became a people pleaser. I also kept myself busy with projects and after school commitments with my teachers. It was the one way I could escape the harsh realities of my world outside of home. In continuing to keep my mind invested in other productive aspects of my life, I became a workaholic.
I realize now that in every stage, I was always striving for some next success… during Middle School, I strived to make people like me so they would bully me less. In HS, I strived to get the perfect grades and a high ACT score in order to ensure acceptance into UofM. At UofM, I strived to get the perfect grades to get into the Business School to dominate the corporate world. In Ross, I aimed to score the "perfect" grades and build a wide network to secure the “perfect” internship. During my internship, I worked over 70 hours a week to prove my worth and ensure I was learning all that I could so that I can recruit for the next high paying full-time job for after college. And now that I am in my full-time career, I caught myself eyeing a seat at the executive table. However, when the pandemic hit, I was in a bad place mentally and had to re-start my therapy sessions. From there I realized that I never stopped to smell the flowers -- I planted my garden but only stopped to cross things off my to-do list.
In these sessions, I had to face the realities of my unhealthy people-pleasing habits and my constant need to keep myself busy and burning myself out as a result. I am better at setting goals that will allow me to live life to the fullest and give me moments to enjoy all this world has to offer. I also came to the conclusion that life is so temporary, and nothing in it is guaranteed, so why lose another moment stressing about it? And let’s face it, with my workplace, I realized that corporate can replace me in 15 seconds, so I need to sit down, relax, do what makes me happy and that I don’t need to aim for the highest seat at the table.
I also had to unlearn the habit of pleasing other people because continuing to do so would eventually destroy me as it’s an impossible task no one was able to ever accomplish, so why die trying? This also removed a huge weight off of my shoulders.
My mental health journey is far from linear, I have extreme lows and sometimes forget to celebrate my highs. But at the end of the day, self awareness is the first step in becoming a happier individual. It allows us to understand why we are wired the way we are and where we need to invest time in becoming better for ourselves. At the end of the day, it is faith in God & my family, faith in the process of self-awareness, and faith in myself that has been saving me everyday.
Magnolia, thank you so much for sharing your story. You are so strong and I am so happy that you have gained the self awareness that has allowed you to improve your mental health.
I can totally relate to treating life as one giant to-do list and forgetting to enjoy the moments that make it worth living. It's so easy to get wrapped up in high expectations, whether they are set by others or yourself. I was an overachiever all throughout high school, but once I got to college, I realized that I didn't have to say yes to every opportunity that came my way. Sometimes you have to brave and say no. My nana played a big part in this realization, as she always reminded me to make time for myself and to not take on more than I needed.
I am so glad that you made these realizations now, rather than later in life. This is something I've also come to terms with recently. I hope that as we both move through our lives, we continue to celebrate the highs, stop to smell the roses, and keep the faith.
Bluebell, a 19-year-old college student…
I currently know that I have depression, anxiety, and depersonalization disorder. I believe that these developed around high school and never went away, although one of the downsides to these illnesses is that I have almost no memories because I repress anything that hurts me. My depersonalization disorder has especially challenged me in college because I constantly dissociate during online classes to the point where I miss half of class. I wish I could pay attention and I want to, but any time another thought enters my head, I’m gone from my mind and body. It is very challenging for me when I am called on in class because often times, I had not been paying enough attention to say anything worthwhile and it’s frustrating to stumble over my words. The main lesson I have learned is that I should probably tell my professors about my mental issues when I start classes again in the fall, but I am scared to.
Bluebell, thank you for your openness in sharing your story. While I have not personally dealt with depersonalization disorder, I have experienced a few episodes of dissociation during my life, so I understand how difficult it can be.
I would like to highly encourage you to reach out to your professors and advisors this fall to inform them of the challenges you've been facing. They should be able to accommodate you and make adjustments to help make your learning experience the best that it can be. If you're nervous about reaching out, maybe you could start by sending an email to whichever office specializes in accommodations? I know that when I'm scared to reach out, it's easier to do it in writing rather than in person or over the phone.
I hope you'll try to reach out in whatever way you're comfortable. I can guarantee that you are not alone and I am confident that whoever you contact will be happy to help!
Daffodil, a 22-year-old aspiring teacher and sports lover…
I would say once I went to college my eyes opened up about life in general and how dark and difficult it could be. I started going to therapy my freshman year to talk through my emotions I had connected with my family, friends, and relationships. Therapy has been great and has been a way for me to openly talk about things without feeling judged or like I have to be careful what I say.
Iris, a 20-year-old majoring in human services...
I have dealt with PTSD, depression, anxiety, & bipolar disorder almost my entire life, from both trauma and biological as mental health runs deeply in both sides of my family. I have been in therapy most of my life as well, which I strongly suggest to everyone, even if you don’t have a mental illness. It’s definitely been an ongoing battle, but one I wake up and choose to fight everyday an order to have the best life I can give myself. I’ve gone through hell and back to get where I am today.
Blossom, a 20-year-old art-lover living at home…
I think it's an important thing to prioritize. It's just as important as our physical health. In my own experience, I've felt shame about my mental health. I was diagnosed with OCD as a child, which is genetic in my family (my mother and her father both had it). I am very lucky to have a milder case of OCD, but it was still very debilitating as a young child to deal with because it is an often very misunderstood mental illness. I'd say that it's very important to rid the shame surrounding these things. We are not our mental illnesses just like we are not our physical illnesses. I mean, c'mon. What if I walked around using scoliosis as an identity?! C'mon man.
As a teenager, I was pretty depressed. I think this is very common among children that age but it is much harder than I think anyone wants to give credit to. I am much happier now at 20 than I ever was at 13. I think that's just a hard age. But I think our age emerging into adulthood is hard too, for a lot of different reasons, and depression and anxiety are common. Mental illness is common. Have you ever met someone with absolutely NO physical illnesses? I haven't. The same goes for our mental health, except it's just that we can't see it the way we can see a broken leg.
Lesson: Don't feel ashamed for taking care of your mental health. It's important to use the resources that you can. If you have means to therapy, great. I think everyone can benefit. If you are willing to try meditation, great. Or yoga. Or writing in a journal. I think it's just important to find what works for you.
Dahlia, a 20-year-old English major working at her college’s writing center…
Depression was something big for me. I never saw a doctor so I can’t exactly self diagnose myself, but I was lonely at that point and cried a lot. I missed my parents, I missed my friends, felt like maybe the friends I had made didn’t like me as much as I thought they did, etc. I’ve just learned that I needed to keep going. Better things are always around the corner. I ordered tickets for a concert that summer and after that, things just seemed to make more sense. Seasonal depression also shouldn’t be taken lightly either- I think it’s a bigger villain than people realize.
Cedar, a 21-year-old college student…
My mental health has been a bit of a rollercoaster through most of my life. When I was 18 I was in one of the longest-lasting low points in my life, though I refused to face that at the time. Things were going great on the surface: I had a girlfriend, friends, ran track, got into my choice college, etc. but that surface was paper thin. When I got to college that surface didn't hold anymore.
I arrived at U of M to a dorm room without a roommate until after welcome week, in a hall of students who didn't show any interest in interacting, 500 miles from home and my closest friends with nobody to lean on for support. I struggled so much adjusting to being here and my issues with my girlfriend only made things worse, especially when she told me she had a crush on a guy at her school. I shut down as a person that year. I hardly left my dorm room except to go out and drink. I tried to rush a frat but was so anxious and down on myself that it was impossible for me to show my good side and get a bid. My antidepressants weren't helping and I don't know how I got out of it, but eventually I did. Not without a lot of damage, of course.
Coming out of first semester freshman year my GPA was a 1.28. Second semester I thought I could do better but being back at school and facing many of the same problems I failed to. I finally had friends, but I had a newfound drug problem and still no motivation or work ethic. I ended up dropping the whole semester near the end.
The interim between then and now has been a simple story of me continuously trying deal with my mental health issues and taking small incremental steps. My confidence has naturally grown somewhat as a result of my attempts to be more outgoing being received well. As a sophomore and junior I tried very hard to meet new people and make for friends which was difficult with my social anxiety, but it paid off. I've gotten better mental health help and used exercises to train myself to not look so negatively at myself and my actions.
The biggest step for me towards improving my mental health has been forcing myself to be more outgoing. The more I practice talking to people the more comfortable I feel with it, the more people like me, and the less I look down on myself. I know it's awful to place such value on the judgements of others and I am working on that, but at the moment it's a means towards feeling better so it works.
I'm definitely in a better place now at 21 than I was when I was 18. I still have many of the same issues with my mental health: anxiety, depression, drug issues, etc., but I have been managing them far better. As far as drugs specifically, I managed to curb my alcohol use to healthy levels which was a big step, but I still need to quit nicotine.
Cedar, I'm really happy to hear that you've reached out and received help that's worked for you and found exercises that allow you to have a more positive self-image. I have also struggled a lot with my confidence, so I can relate to your story in many ways. Social anxiety can be so debilitating ( I know from personal experience) so I'm happy to hear that you've been able to practice socializing.
I agree that placing value on what others think is not the best mindset to have, especially when struggling with confidence. Once I am able to stop putting so much value into what people think of me, my social anxiety gets a lot better. Sometimes I have to literally tell myself that "it doesn't matter what these people think of me," or "nobody is really judging me as much as I think they are." If you can find some mantra that helps you remember this, I would highly recommend using it when you're in social settings that make you anxious.
I'm really proud of you for persisting through the obstacles you've faced and I hope that you'll continue to seek help when you need it. No matter what anyone else thinks of you, what matters most is that you're happy with yourself. Keep going, you've got this!
Lotus, a 24-year-old pursuing a graduate degree…
TW: suicide, suicidal thoughts
Mental health was not my priority up until I was a sophomore, it is like air, I only realize how important and valuable it is until I lost it.
Four years ago, everything went really well for me, I went to university with a scholarship and got to exchange oversea with full financial support. I was actively involved in a student organization, and I hosted a couple of events. I looked well-blended in the campus and got quite a lot of friends. I felt confident of myself and I believed I could achieve everything as long as I tried hard. However, things went downhill when I got admitted in a post-graduate program in a high-ranking school, and the worst of all is I am neither passionate or good at what I'm studying. I am in great crisis when I have doubt of my efficacy and worth. Why did I choose to apply in the first place, you might ask? I don't know, I just needed to be in something. At that time, this opportunity seemed convenient. Don't judge me, I don't want to take responsibility of my suffering, yet.
Here in my program, everyone seems to know what they are doing except for me, I feel very passive, lost, and worried about my engagement in my research project. I feel like a fraud, and got myself in by lying. I don't feel like I am worthy of respect even as I person and I start to worry about whether anyone will hire me after my graduation. Days and nights these thoughts hound me, they are with me when I am reading journal papers, when I am in a seminar, when I am listening to my lab mates sharing their research ideas, when I am presenting in lab meeting. I can't get rid of it and I am in great pain. I hate myself so much and I just want to be gone.
Of course I don't have the courage to end my life, if killing myself is easy and without pain, I might have done it. The only things I can't let go are my friends and my mum, there's nothing else keeps me to stay. What is the point of life without meaning? I am barely living, I am no different from an zombie. I tried to save myself, whenever any positive thought or joy pops out, I tried to let them stay, but they were running really fast. I tried to talk to my friends but I hate it when I pass so many negativities to their life. It is difficult to ask a person to understand your pain and your distorted beliefs about yourself. On one hand, you want them to believe you, to empathize with your feelings, to dive with you and on the other, you want them to say negate all of your thoughts and tell you that you are worthy of love. I can't do it, there are so much responsibilities.
I decided to seek help from the counselor in my school. I felt very hesitant at first as I felt okay from time to time and I was not in clinical level of anxiety or depression. I guess I set the threshold a little too high, and I can't ask for help until I lost myself completely, it will be too late. I went to the counselling center last week and it made me feel better right after the session. There is a structure of the what we need to solve out and what we need to do. Structure makes me feel I am in control of my life, and as long as I have a direction, things get so much easier. We identify my problem is low self-esteem and as my counselor said, self-confidence is built on feedbacks that you are able to do things well. All I need is to find out what I am capable of doing and do it over and over again. Still the terrible thoughts flood in from time to time, they are still present with me, and probably will stay for a long time. I forgot there is a resolution sometimes, and I need to remind myself constantly. It is still difficult but I am learning how to live with it. I think I might be able to get back a healthy self-image and peace in my life.
Lesson: I don't need to wait until things get too hard to ask for help, there are a lot of other human fellows are trained to offer their help. And insurance covers this service, I should use it before I leave school.
Lotus, thank you for being so real and for sharing your struggles with mental health.
First of all, I want to tell you that you are loved, important, and worthy of a full and happy life. I also want to tell you that all of your feelings are completely valid and you are absolutely not alone.
I am so glad you were able to reach out for support through counseling at your university; it sounds like it was really helpful in allowing you to identify your specific struggle with low self-esteem. I also utilized the counseling services at my university and I found that it helped me tremendously with my low self-esteem!
I can completely relate to your feelings of being a "fraud" or unqualified; many people refer to this as imposter syndrome. It's easy to feel like you aren't worthy when you're put into a new position of leadership, responsibility, or power. This happens to people so so often, especially during emerging adulthood when we're all still growing our confidence. The best thing I've learned to combat this imposter syndrome is to "fake it til you make it," or tell yourself that you're capable until you eventually believe it.
When I took on a position student teaching this last semester of my undergrad, I felt extreme imposter syndrome. I was responsible for creating lesson plans, grading papers, and facilitating a discussion section all on my own. When I shared my anxieties and self-doubts with my boss, she reassured me that my feelings were very normal, and also let me know that I was chosen for the position for a reason. She saw the potential in me that I had trouble seeing in myself. I can guarantee it's the same for you; you were accepted into the program because you were highly qualified.
While I totally understand the struggle of not enjoying your studies or not feeling like you're good at what you're doing, I hope you know that you do belong and that you do not have to be perfect. Trust me, most people are just going with the flow, including your professors and peers! Try not to be so hard on yourself <3
One last thing that I want to point out is how many people have reported keeping their feelings to themselves because they're afraid of being a burden to their loved ones. Have you ever felt that your friends were a burden to you when they confided in you about their problems?
Unless you had a friend who was excessively unloading on you, I doubt the answer is yes. Try to remember that your friends are your friends for a reason as well-they care about you and want to be there for you, just like they hope you'll be there for them! If you're being a burden, trust that they'll tell you so, don't just assume that without any evidence! I hope you know you can always reach out to me and that you are so loved. Stay strong and keep your head up high!
Violet, a 17-year-old that loves drawing and is planning to attend community college...
TW: suicide, suicidal thoughts
My mental health is very stable right now. I’ve had lots of struggles with depression and anxiety in the past, and I’m currently on medication and seeing two great doctors to help me with everything. My mental health has been kind of unpredictable up until now. My first few years of high school, I was riddled with so much anxiety about anything and everything. I became depressed, and everything got even harder. I’ve never attempted suicide, but I began to imagine how much easier things would be if I was somewhere else. however, I persisted and faced my challenges, and I’m really grateful to be where I am today. I still have a lot of anxiety, and I still have depression which causes a lot of low motivation and boredom, but I try my best every day to do what I need to do, and it’s really working. my anxiety has improved a lot, and I don’t worry as much about things that’ll probably never happen to me. I’m a very empathetic person, but I like to rely on facts and statistics to help me form opinions and know the odds of something crazy happening to me. My social aspect of my anxiety has gone away a lot, which has spiked my confidence. I enjoy going places alone now, I dress how I want, and I know that everyone around me really couldn’t care less of how I present myself. Just knowing that I am me and being comfortable in my skin is a huge result of my improved mental health.
Sunflower, a 20-year-old workout enthusiast majoring in biochemistry…
My mental health is pretty good. I've struggled with anxiety ever since I can remember, but other than that I am fortunate enough to have not been diagnosed with any mental health illnesses like depression or the like. As I've gotten older and grown into an adult I've found ways to manage my anxiety. I'm usually pretty good at acknowledging when I'm having a really anxious "episode" if you will, and I remove myself from the situation as best as I can. I try to hyper-focus on tasks like cleaning or listing clothes on Poshmark or binging a show or movie, basically just try to draw my attention and mind to other things while I try to manage my anxious thoughts and cool-down. I've just learned that my anxiety does not define me, and I can manage it!
My perspective...
My mental health journey has consisted of many ups and downs. I experienced significant trauma during my childhood. I was emotionally abused by my father for many years and the court system did nothing to help me. Those experiences caused me to suffer with anxiety and depression as a teenager. I also struggled with disordered eating and body dysmorphia during high school.
When I got to college I enrolled in counseling. I had an individual counselor and I also joined group therapy that was based on dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). This helped my mental health tremendously. When I began these sessions, I remember feeling extreme emotions that were out of my control. I would cry often and I struggled with anxiety triggered by many different things, like driving, talking with new people, and being by myself. I had severe abandonment and trust issues due to childhood trauma, so it was really important for me to reach out for support that would allow me to address these challenges.
The group therapy was the most helpful because it taught me important skills like emotion regulation. Each week, our small group of 6 or 7 people would share what we were struggling with and we'd troubleshoot ways to use DBT to help cope. It's hard to explain, but it was just super informative and useful. I learned a lot about mindfulness and being present in the moment. Grounding techniques, such as paying attention to the feeling of my feet on the ground or noticing five things in my surroundings, were super helpful for calming my anxiety.
I also learned about interpersonal effectiveness skills, which basically help you to communicate with people that are difficult to communicate with. One of the methods for communication that we learned about is called DEAR MAN, which stands for describe, express, assert, reinforce (DEAR) and mindful, appear, negotiate (MAN). I highly suggest that everyone learn these skills because they can make communication SO much easier! (See the worksheet below that elaborates on the steps of the DEAR MAN strategy.)
Ever since taking those classes and going to therapy, my mental health has improved greatly. I used to feel so much resentment towards certain people in my life and counseling helped me work through past trauma so I could begin to forgive and heal. My emotions have become a lot more regulated and I am better at dealing with intrusive and negative thoughts. Learning about psychology has also helped my mental health because I am able to understand the different things happening in my mind and body from a scientific perspective.
My best advice for people that are struggling with mental health is to reach out for help! It's a common suggestion, but it's the best one. Mental health is a journey; there will be hard days and easier ones, but it's important to have resources to deal with whatever you're battling inside. There are many different options for treating mental health, including therapy, medication, mindfulness, and more. Let's normalize talking about mental health so that we can end the stigma and help people feel less alone.
