Let's Talk About Adulting
By Kaitlyn Ender
Let's Talk About... Independence
Independence is a tough thing. I took a class about Emerging Adulthood this past summer and learned that everyone’s definition of independence is different. Some markers of independence may include being financially independent, living independently, or being emotionally independent. However, I don’t think everyone achieves all of these at once, or even at full “capacity.” Personally, I view independence as a spectrum or a sliding scale. For instance, some people may be towards the higher end of financial independence, but be on the lower end of emotional independence (and vice versa.) No matter how you look at independence, there's no question that it plays an important role in emerging adulthood.
Holly, a 21-year-old college student living off-campus…
I definitely have always been nervous about the idea of reaching adulthood as I was very uncertain about my ability to navigate life situations away from the security provided by my family or even by the sheltered living experience on a college campus. I had previously only lived in a dorm prior to this semester, but due to COVID-19 making communal living much more complicated and the closing of my dorm, I ended up having to find off-campus housing. Living off-campus entails much more responsibilities than the sheltering provided by the dorms in which the dining hall provides all the meals for you and you only have a singular room to take care of.
Moving into an off-campus house initially seemed very daunting to me as I had previously not had a great sense of self-efficacy when it came to adulting, for fear of not knowing how to do something and looking dumb. There was a definite element of shock when I initially moved into the off-campus house and I was incredibly worried about making mistakes. It took awhile for me to really start feeling more comfortable in my ability to be a lot more independent. I have even started experimenting more with cooking, something that I was hesitant to do at first and mostly just stuck to the basics that I already knew how to make.
There was definitely a learning curve involved in this experience of becoming more independent and learning important, adult life skills that is very stressful at times, and was especially so towards the beginning. However, I am really glad that I have had this experience because it has taught me really important things necessary to be a self-sufficient adult and the sudden exposure to such things that initially seemed very daunting ultimately turned out to be immensely beneficial for my own personal growth.
Snowdrop, a 22-year-old aspiring wildland firefighter and lover of the outdoors…
Do I feel I reached adulthood? My answer would be no, I don't feel like I have. Other people may say yes for me. I just feel like a child inside and it’s great. Wanting to always do dumb and fun stuff. I'll still go play on a playground and get muddy in mud puddles when it rains. Ask other people if I have reached adulthood and they may say yes. I been through a lot, which people say I’m really mature for my age. I work hard for everything I do. I’m very independent in life. I know when to do adult things, but I still like to live like a child.
Daisy, a 20-year-old college student…
When I first came to college, I recognized that I had the most freedom and least responsibility that I’d ever had. I was able to hang out with whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted. On the other side, I was solely responsible for policing my own actions and managing my time. I do feel like I’ve reached adulthood, since I pay for my own rent, car + insurance, gas, groceries, etc. and I have learned how to balance all areas of my life. I’m not perfect, but I’m getting there.
Daffodil, a 22-year-old aspiring teacher and sports lover…
I always joke and say I’m “half-adulting”. I currently live full time at school, I have my own apartment and take care of my day-to-day life. I have 2 jobs to help me pay for school and I try and balance leading Young Life, too. However, my family still helps me when I need it (financially or just mental support). There are a lot of things I couldn’t do independently without them, so I’d say on my day-to-day life, I feel like an adult but there’s a lot that I still lean on my parents for. It’s a weird in-between that I struggle with sometimes.
Daffodil, this "in-between" and "half-adulting" that you're going through is SO normal! It's actually one of the main characteristics of emerging adulthood. Most of us are experiencing a prolonged transition from adolescence to adulthood, so the feelings and experiences you're describing are extremely common and expected for this life stage!
Blossom, a 20-year-old art-lover living at home…
I think that adulthood and independence are two different things. Personally, I believe that adulthood is a state of mind, where independence is a reality. Obviously we reach a physical adulthood, but I believe where adulthood meets our mentality and life, it's more complex. Personally, I feel that I have reached adulthood, but that didn't happen when I turned 18, or even 19. In fact, at those ages I still felt very much like a kid. And I think that's okay. Now that I'm 20, I do feel like an adult, but for me that's because I feel as though I have an independent state of mind, personal opinions and beliefs, and my own view on life. That took time to acquire though! As for independence, I do still live at home, so in some senses I don't feel entirely independent just yet. In a lot of ways I do-- the things I do for myself everyday do make me feel independent! Lesson: Adulthood, the meaning and the reaching of it, is a very personal experience!
Blossom, I love the way you look at adulthood & independence! I feel similarly; While I'm also still living with family and relying on them for support, I've gained a lot of independence emotionally and mentally.
When I was a freshman in college, I decided to join group therapy that focused on mindfulness, emotion regulation, and interpersonal skills. It was honestly life changing! Those sessions taught me so much about how to handle my emotions, as well as how to deal with people in my life that were difficult. The skills that I learned in group therapy helped me to become much more emotionally independent. I’m actually really proud of the progress I’ve made in the last few years.
One example of my newfound emotional independence can be seen during a recent traumatic event that happened in my life. One of my loved ones was drinking, which caused them to bring up old trauma and verbally attack me. This was an extremely triggering event.
In the past, I would’ve immediately called a loved one or spiraled into a full blown panic attack. Instead, I was able to notice the emotions I was feeling from a distanced view (I learned this from therapy) and recognize why I was feeling the way I did. Over time, I learned how to validate my emotions without needing to reach out to anyone for immediate reassurance.
This experience was really eye-opening for me. It taught me that I have come a long way since high school as far as my independence and my ability to take care of myself on an emotional level. I believe that my education truly helped me to get to this point; all of the psychology courses I’ve taken and the therapy I engaged in helped me to learn what is actually happening to the body and mind in the face of stress or trauma. Having this knowledge has allowed me to better cope with traumatic and stressful events during my emerging adulthood.
Sunflower, a 20-year-old workout enthusiast majoring in biochemistry…
Yes, I do feel like I've reached adulthood! I got my first apartment this year, I pay most of my own bills besides more expensive and "extreme adult things" (LOL) like insurance, car payments, medical bills, phone bills, etc. But I do pay for my own gas, apartment rent, groceries, utilities, gym membership, other subscriptions/memberships, clothes, experiences, etc! I feel so free being able to say I am in control of my own expenses and I can manage my own money at my age.
Sunflower, congratulations on gaining financial independence! That takes a lot of hard work. For most emerging adults, total financial independence takes years to achieve, and it doesn't all happen at once. Learning to manage money well can also be a challenge for many emerging adults, so I'm glad to hear that you're feeling confident in this realm!
Orchid, a 20-year-old direct care worker and fan of thriller novels...
I don’t really consider myself an adult honestly. It’s hard to really understand that I’m 20 years old and I’m an actual adult. I don’t feel independent since I still live at home. I think maybe I’ll feel more independent when I live on my own.
Orchid, I totally get you! I also don't really feel like an adult and I'm 22. I can tell you that living alone does help with gaining independence!
When I started college, I began to gain physical independence from my family by living away from home. This was one of the most difficult transitions for me, as I was extremely attached to my grandparents and younger brother (I still am.) Having a place to call my own, even if it was just a little 12-18 foot dorm room, helped me realize that I am okay living by myself. This was a tough pill to swallow because I was so dependent on my family for everything. While I still don’t feel fully independent in this realm, especially since I am living with family again during the pandemic, I do feel that I’ve gained the confidence to know that when I do live completely on my own, I will be just fine.
Just for fun, here is a list of 8 things I enjoy about living on my own:
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Cleaning whenever I feel like it and only having to clean up after myself.
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Being able to sing at the top of my lungs whenever my heart desires.
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Waking up to my own quiet space in the morning.
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Having friends visit me at my own place.
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Decorating my space just the way I like it.
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Having my own “safe place” that I can go to whenever I need to get away from the world.
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Wearing whatever I want around my place without being judged, even if that means wearing nothing.
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Feeling like I have something that belongs to me and only me.
Violet, a 17-year-old that loves drawing and is planning to attend community college...
I feel like I have reached adulthood in many aspects. I love the independence my parents have allowed me. They trust me to make the right decision, and it’s worked so far. I’ve never done anything I really regret, never gotten in trouble with my school or the law, and always know where my boundaries lay. I’ve developed a great instinct, and I almost always know when to avoid things that just feel wrong. I think independence for me is my ability to do what is right for me and the people around me, meaning I’m not going to do something that’ll harm myself and others. I pride myself on making good choices that haven’t been potentially dangerous. I enjoy the fact that I have displayed enough maturity to the point where I can now have freedom to live my best life.
Cosmo, an 18-year-old incoming college student and creator of art and music…
I definitely don’t feel like I’ve reached adulthood yet but I think my mentality has expanded extremely and will continue to expand until the day I die. I think I will truly feel further independence once I don’t have to rely on anyone to take care of me. When I pay my own bills, buy my own food, drive my own car, and make all my own decisions completely independently, I will feel true independence.
Cosmo, I think your feelings about adulthood and independence are very similar to your emerging adult peers! There have been a handful of people who also view independence as being self-reliant, whether that be financially, physically, or emotionally. Just know that it takes time; emerging adulthood looks different for each individual.
Dahlia, a 20-year-old English major working at her college’s writing center…
Independence can mean a lot of things. Am I financially independent? No. But I do live in a house more than an hour away from my family at home and when I’m able to pay a majority of the rent, then I do feel independent. Overall, kinda? Independence I think can mean having a grip on what you need to do in life which is what I’m getting better at managing day by day. I’ve been taking charge more so recently because of how big and soon the future is (I graduate college next spring yikes) and I’m starting to feel the stress of what life beyond college can mean.
My perspective...
In my eyes, the key to gaining independence is having the determination and willpower to make yourself practice being independent. It isn’t always easy. Sometimes you have to put yourself in situations that challenge you a lot. But they will also make you grow. Without growth, it’s very hard to move forward in life.
One of the best ways to become independent, in my opinion, is to take small steps often. If you throw yourself into a situation that forces you to be fully independent all at once, it probably won’t end well. However, if you’re able to challenge yourself in small ways each day, month, and year, you’ll slowly begin to find your place in the world.
My first step towards independence was definitely going to college. While it wasn’t the smallest step ever, the continued support that I received from my family was the reason I was able to successfully complete such a drastic transition. Living in a new city, on my own, truly changed how I viewed the world.
It was really hard at first. I almost dropped out of college during my first week of classes because it was so overwhelming. Thankfully, I made the conscious (and difficult) decision each day to keep going.
As time passed, things began to fall into place for me. I got situated in my dorm and felt comfortable and safe living there. Sure there were a few bumps in the road. I burnt several waffles. I overslept and missed class. One time I shrunk a load of my favorite clothes. I even isolated myself from potential friends because of how anxious I was during my first year. But I got through it.
All of the hiccups that I encountered were necessary for me to learn how to be a functional, independent adult in the real world. I spent many nights crying because of how much I missed my family. I really struggled to embrace living on my own, but eventually, I did.
Each year, it got a little better. I started to make friends and come out of my shell during my sophomore year. By junior year, I was absolutely ecstatic to be back at my dorm, in my own little space on campus. Time really did make all of the difference. So did perseverance. If I would’ve dropped out that first week and went back home, where would I be now? I definitely wouldn’t be graduating with my bachelors and ready to move into my first apartment.
I know it can be really hard to gain independence. I don’t think it’s an easy process for anyone. It’s important to remember that there is no right time or way to be independent. Everyone is on their own individual journey through emerging adulthood. Some people may achieve full independence by 18, while others may still depend on their loved ones in their 30s. All you can do is your best. Continue to push yourself in small ways, and never give up when things get hard. Keep going. I’m so glad I did.