Let's Talk About Adulting
By Kaitlyn Ender
Let's Talk About... Friendships
Throughout the various psychology courses I’ve taken, I’ve learned one fact that has really stuck with me: the most important factor in a person’s life for maintaining good health, happiness, and resilience is social connection. This seems obvious, and maybe it is, but I don’t think people really understand just how vital social connections and friendships are for our health. For emerging adults, friendships are even more important. They serve as a built-in support system and often “take over” or fill in for family. While making the transition from being an adolescent to a full blown adult, friendships are often prioritized by emerging adults that are leaving “the nest” and making a life of their own.
Daffodil, a 22-year-old aspiring teacher and sports lover…
My friendships have definitely changed since I went to college. In high school I always tried to “fit in” and never felt like I had good friends to lean on. But when I went to college, I met a few solid friends here and there that really made me feel valued and loved the way true friends should make you feel!
A great way that I ended up making friends was through Young Life which is a small Christian group on campus. It was comforting to know that I wouldn’t be judged by these girls because of how welcoming they were to me the first day I met them. It was challenging at first because I had to physically reach out and do something new to meet people, but it really helped me to be confident in who I am as a person and allow myself to grow so that I could be a good friend to them, too.
Orchid, a 20-year-old direct care worker and fan of thriller novels...
Over the years my friendships have changed a lot. In high school I had a good group of friends but that all changed a good bit after graduation. A week after graduating high school my father passed away. I was grieving and I pushed a lot of people away. I was also in a very unhealthy relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. I lived with him and just like our relationship it was very unhealthy. I isolated myself further. Now, about 3 years later my life and my friendships look completely different. I still am best friends with a girl I’ve known since the age of 11. We talk everyday but due to covid we haven’t really been able to see each other. I’d say her and my current boyfriend are my best friends. I have other people I’d consider friends, but I truly feel like making solid lasting friendships at this age is something I’m struggling with.
Snowdrop, a 22-year-old aspiring wildland firefighter and lover of the outdoors…
All through school my friends have stayed the same for the most part. We have a group chat with everyone in and we have added people as they became part of the group. Growing up just made it harder to hangout. In school we would do huge video game nights and bonfires. Now it’s hard to even get a couple of us together to hangout. Life just involves more person-work as you get older.
Snowdrop, I really relate to what you're going through. With everyone getting busier, whether that be with school or work, it seems like it's almost impossible to arrange hangouts (at least compared to when we were in high school).
I also think this struggle has to do with a term I like to call "contextual friendships." These friends are ones that we make in one very specific context, and it's often hard to transition that friendship into another context (ex: after switching classes, being away from each other over summer break, or locating to different cities for work).
Bluebell, a 19-year-old college student…
I lost a lot of friends in middle school and early high school and felt very alone and suicidal. My boyfriend was my only real friend after I lost my best friend of 8 years. It was too hard to put so much effort into a friendship that the other person would never reciprocate.
I decided to join track on a whim and made most of the friends that I still have today, and I honestly don’t know whether I would have made it through high school without them. I learned that I should go out of my comfort zone to try new things if there is a chance that I will make new friends as a result.
Making friends in college has been pretty tough for me, and I only talk to two people regularly who I have met in college. I feel especially lonely being a commuter to college because I am missing out on a lot of friendships that I could have had living on campus. I try to make up for it in other ways by going to online zoom events to meet new people.
Bluebell, you are not alone in this struggle! There are a handful of similar stories here, which makes me realize that loneliness and struggling to find good friends at this age is more common than we think! Hopefully it will get easier as the pandemic gets better!
Lily, a 20-year-old vegan who loves to cook…
COVID has definitely had an impact on friendships for most people. Incredibly differing from my high school friendships, I now only surround myself with people who think similarly to me. If they don’t support basic human rights, I don’t want it. I’m much more cautious with my energy and who I share it with. I don’t waste time on a relationship that doesn’t help me grow. I don’t associate with people who don’t help me open myself up to new perspectives. I don’t engage with anyone who isn’t open to have those “uncomfortable” conversations. Platonic and romantic relationships obviously should be fun, but they should also promote growth and offer support.
Blossom, a 20-year-old art-lover living at home…
I've definitely learned the most about friendship since I've been out of high school. A specific struggle I dealt with at the age of 18 and 19 was this: I had a best friend from the ages of 16 to almost 19. Her and I were very close. We had other friends of our own, but we hung out with each other the most. We would often both confess to one another that we had never been so close to another person before. In those days, it was great!
But, as we got out of high school, this friend would often talk badly of my other friends. And one by one, my friendships with these other people died. She began to tease me. This friend was a bully. I was in denial about it, despite what I was told by my friends and family. I thought she would change.
Eventually, later that year, I had to stop talking to her because of the way things were between us. It was terrible! I was almost 19, with no real "best friends" anymore. It was a bad situation. I felt very alienated and like I had done something wrong. I was so depressed about this friend and I's separation. I was deeply hurt. I felt a lot of shame about it.
I took some time to move on. I grieved the friendship in a dismissive sort of way, not wanting to talk about it. It's still unpleasant to speak about! But that being said, I do forgive this person. And that's the most important part; to not carry that anger-- hurt stems from anger-- into your life, into your relationships, into your future.
The relieving (thank goodness, that was depressing! haha) part of this is that I am almost 21, and I feel that I have very good people in my life. I love making new friends. I have friends that I stopped talking to after high school that I've reconnected with, friends that I have just met, and friends that I will meet! In conclusion... I feel very much at peace with this part of my life now.
Lesson (provided by Blossom): It's okay to forgive people and wish them the best and still choose to not continue a relationship with them. Remember: it's important not to place all of your needs on one person! When you have a stronger sense of self-compassion, you will always be a better friend.
Daisy, a 20-year-old college student…
I used to make friends with people who would always ask for things and ever offer anything back in return. I’ve moved from that point in my life to one where I make sure that my friendships benefit all parties involved. I still offer things and show them love in whichever way suits them best, but if I need more from them, I gently make it known.
Violet, a 17-year-old that loves drawing and is planning to attend community college...
My friendships have changed a LOT over the past few years. When I started high school, I was a new student transferring from another district, and I was so desperate to make friends. I tried to alter my personality in ways that I thought would make people like me more. I wore certain clothes that I didn’t feel like myself in, and I tried to listen to the same music and watched the same shows as the people I wanted to befriend so I could be accepted by them.
However, I obviously was missing something in my life, so for the rest of my high school experience I became unapologetically me and didn’t care what anyone had to say about it. It sounds cliché, but truly being who I am and not being sorry about it really made me grow into my true friendships and helped me make friends so much easier. I realized that it’s so ridiculous to worry about what people think of who your friends are. I would rather be friends with the most unpopular person in school if we got along, than have a group of friends I didn’t fit in with, and who went against everything I stood for. I wouldn’t trade my friends for the world, because I know that they are authentic. I’m so grateful to have them by my side.
Violet, I want to commend you for learning this hard lesson so early in your life. It's so easy to fall into the trap of "fitting in," especially in high school when you're constantly surrounded by cliques and popularity contests.
I remember struggling to find friends that I truly could be myself around (I still struggle with finding them, actually!) While I don't have the magic solution for locating true friends, I just want to amplify what you said about not worrying what others think of you. I believe that learning to not care about the opinions of others is the first step to finding true happiness within yourself and in turn, crossing paths with people who will be your true friends.
Wisteria, an 18-year-old interested in painting and the outdoors…
All my friendships have slowly fallen off, I only have a few friends and they’re not very close friends.
Wisteria, I’ve definitely struggled with this throughout the past few years.
When I started college, I pictured myself having countless friends. Maybe my expectations were high because of how the media portrays the college experience (as one big party where you meet dozens of people that become your best friends, know all of your secrets, and spend every second by your side.)
While it's important to have friends, I recently realized that the grass isn’t always greener for people who have a myriad of pals. Oftentimes, it seems like they are actually stressed and stretched thin. You see, you can have 100 friends, but if they’re all surface-level and lack the deeper connections that make friendship so great, then you’ll probably be left feeling unsatisfied (and even lonely.)
Currently, I have only a handful of friends, but they are quality friends that actually take the time to check-in on me and make me feel good. We are there for each other and we give our friendship the time and energy it needs to be strong and fulfilling.
I totally know the frustration of not having many close friends. What helps me feel better is my belief that the right people will come into your life when they’re meant to, even if that means going through periods of time when you don’t have as many friends as you would like (or none at all).
Keep your standards high and look for quality friends as you move through life. Try not to be discouraged; it is perfectly okay (and all too common, based on these responses) to have friends come and go. You'll find the right people with time!
Dahlia, a 20-year-old English major working at her college’s writing center…
Friendships have changed quite a bit since I left for college. I used to have a fairly large group of friends from home and at this point now I have lost a couple of them. Sometimes I consider myself one of those group hoppers, where I had a few groups, and I think it’s still a little like that. To me, it’s just a matter of kind of growing apart which sucks but sometimes I realized those friendships weren’t even actually worth it because the people were selfish, rude, etc. I have a group of friends here at college and the dynamic is very different than it was back in high school, it’s a good balance and I’m able to enjoy both at the same time. I’ve made friends pretty easily while at college I think- I tend to know a lot of people from a lot of different things and while I’m shy sometimes, I’ve managed to make at least a few new friends every semester.
Iris, a 20-year-old majoring in human services...
TW: abuse, sexual assault
In high school, I was literally friends with everyone up until my junior year. I was very active in clubs & sports, and literally spent all my energy on my class. I thrived on DOING for others, and the feeling as if I fit in with my peers was what I lived for. It wasn’t until I went through the darkest period of my life, did I realize that all the people I did so much for, wouldn’t do even a fraction for me.
I was in a very abusive relationship with a boy a grade older than me late into my sophomore year, and he became friends with all my friends while we were together. The few friends closest to me noticed a pattern of aggression and abuse, and without them I’m not sure if I would have ever realized it myself. However, I’ve always been very good at keeping dark things about my life hidden, so I pretended everything was under control and that the situation wasn’t as bad as it seemed. When I finally broke up with him, it was much harder to hide the truth.
He continued to physically and verbally attack me at school and at my home. He sent threats to my closest friends and family who were already aware of the situation and standing up for me, and even broke into my house multiple times, where we had to get the police involved. In a small town, it’s hard to hide these (sort of) dramatic situations, especially when he wasn’t shy on telling anyone who would hear about how much of a lying slut I was.
It wasn’t until many of my “friends” and peers were still hanging out with him, and not taking the situation at hand seriously did I decide to come forward with the truth. Not only was he physically and mentally abusive, but he was sexually abusive as well. He had raped me and gaslit me into sexual encounters multiple times throughout the few months we were together, and I was done protecting him. Why should I be ashamed for something he did? In light of the Me-Too movement, I wrote a poem about going to school with your rapist and posted it on my Instagram spam. Without naming him, it was obvious who I was talking about.
Not only did his threats towards me increase, but my so-called friends (other than three), took his side. They all completely ghosted me, gossiped about me, and anonymously sent me nasty messages, saying I was a liar and a slut, amongst other things. Even the principle didn’t do anything when I went to him about the bullying that I was facing from him throughout the last few months (which is a whole other story).
Everyone I thought were my friends, friends I had since I was in preschool, had turned their backs on me the moment I was more than just someone to party with. I had realized, were these people my friends because I was easy to manipulate? Was it because I always put their wants before mine? Now that I look back, it was obvious I was being used, and that these people weren’t truly my friends. I was naïve in thinking that everyone was as good of a person as I felt I was.
I was sexually abused as a child, and because of that I have PTSD, on top of being diagnosed with manic depression and bipolar disorder, so you can imagine how easy it was for me to slip into a depressive state during this time. I didn’t leave my bed for two weeks and ended up switching to online school.
In short, going to parties, having a bunch of likes on social media, having a huge group of friends, etc. isn’t even close to being important, like it may seem while you’re in school. When it comes down to it, life is hard as shit, and you never know what could happen at any given moment. What’s most important is to surround yourself with one or two people who will be there for you when life turns upside down, then having tons of “friends” who are only there when life is right side up. Although those were the worst moments of my life, I’m thankful to now know who my real friends are.
Iris, I am so sorry to hear about the trauma you experienced. I can't imagine how difficult it must've been to navigate that situation, especially without the support of your school principal or friends. Toxic relationships and friends are so harmful, no matter what age you are. I've also had several experiences with toxic friends during adolescence and emerging adulthood, which taught me that you don’t have to keep people in your life that are hurting you. To this day, I continue to be picky with my friendships.
For instance, I had a friend from high school that I lost touch with and we ended up reconnecting during my sophomore year of college. She came to visit me at UofM and we had a lot of fun during the first visit or two. I was so happy to reunite with her, but eventually things started to go south. I learned that our values did not align as much as I thought they did, which was a big red flag for me. This friend began to engage in harmful behaviors, which was a major cause for concern. I tried my best to talk her through her issues and console her when she was upset, but no matter what I said to this friend, she continued to be self-destructive.
It was painful to watch and there was nothing I could do about it. I attempted to have several heart-to-heart conversations with this person, but it ended up becoming a very emotionally draining friendship for me. While I debated staying for the sake of my friend, I had to make the decision to slowly disengage and pull myself away. This person eventually confronted me via text, placing blame on me for her suffering. I knew that I had done everything I could do to help her and that she was just taking her anger and frustration out on me because I made the choice to distance myself.
While that was a tough situation, I don’t regret my decision to end the friendship. I have learned that many friendships can become toxic easily, and when that happens, you have a few options: you can try to work it out with the person (this one is tricky), you can distance yourself from them (if it’s the kind of relationship you can’t completely cut off), or you can end the relationship entirely. I think the best choice depends entirely on each individual situation.
There’s a difference between a toxic friendship and having normal challenges with friends. When a friend is willing to communicate about issues or disagreements in a mature and empathetic fashion, that is when you know the relationship is healthy and can be maintained with some work. If the friend is unwilling to talk through problems or is being disrespectful in any way--it’s probably time to question if the person is adding any value to your relationship.
Cosmo, an 18-year-old incoming college student and creator of art and music…
Over the years, my friends have changed quite drastically. I find myself to have quite a diverse group of friends who all have different personality’s, interests, and hobbies. The one thing they all share is a sense of love and care. It’s been very important for me to cut off people who only bring me down and don’t lift me up in the way a friend should. It’s also important that my friends are there for my through the ups and the downs in life.
Sunflower, a 20-year-old workout enthusiast majoring in biochemistry…
Wow okay this one is going to be a long one. I have had quite a few friends throughout my life. Some good, some bad. I grew up always being a social butterfly, I was just friends with everybody from all different social groups. Ever since I was 5 years old, I've had the same best friend, but besides her I have had many other friends that have come and gone. In middle school I had a pretty big friend group of the same people throughout all three years. We would hang out all the time after school, have bonfires, go to swim meets and practices together, have sleepovers, etc. It was the best, but I have always just had my one true best friend (which wasn't any of them LOL). As we all transitioned into high school, we all grew apart and things changed. It's hard being friends with both boys and girls at that age, too, which was a big part of why we all split up--when everyone's hormones are all out of whack and whatnot. Anyway, we all ended up growing apart and doing our own things in high school, while still being friendly in the hallways, but it was almost as if that last bit of our childhoods spent together over those past three years meant nothing and we all kind of pretended like we didn't know each other all too well. It was sad.
Growing up I had another best friend for many years, but we grew apart in sophomore year of high school when she was going through some mental health things and decided to do online school. She had been my other bestest friend since second grade, and it all came crashing down after high school began. Slowly we realized all of the things that were so similar about us, weren't so similar anymore. The shows we watched and the ways we dressed and the morals and standards we had just didn't match up in the ways they used to when we were kids. It was extremely sad going from being best friends with this girl for about 9 years of my life, to not being friends at all. Once she moved to online school we just slowly fell out of touch, and just like my middle school friend group, it was as if all of our memories and good times never really happened. It was sad.
As high school continued after my sophomore year craziness, I still had a few other acquaintances and "school friends" but none of them stuck around for too long. It felt like I only ever had my one best friend (that I still have to this day) and then just a bunch of people at school that I surrounded myself with but wasn't really present or myself with. At the end of sophomore year, I met this really crazy girl. She changed a lot of things for me. She influenced me to act in ways that I knew I wasn't like, had me put in many uncomfortable and honestly dangerous situations, and just overall changed the image people had of me. It was really hard. She was my only "best friend" at school though, so I just kept her around even though she kept getting me in trouble and had me acting like someone I was not. Finally, after the end of my junior year we stopped being friends, and I kind of just shifted away from everybody I once was close with at school (again, everyone besides my one true best friend).
I think overall I've always been able to have good conversations with people and create community around myself, but I haven't been able to feel as happy as I am now with my few (and I mean FEW) friendships that I have currently. High school and my childhood really changed me and changed my perspective on friendships and what I deserve to keep around in my life, and it allowed me to find a few really great friends that love me for me, and that I can be my true happiest self around. I finally have two amazing roommates that I absolutely adore and love, one very best friend that is like a sister, and a couple other really great best friends.
I am only 20, so I have a long way to go as far as friendships and to see the ways friendships can change. Over the time I've spent so far in my life with many different friends, where some have stayed but most have gone, I can say for sure that I value quality over quantity. People will come and go in your life, whether its friendships or romantic relationships, but one thing to always keep in your mind is that when people love you and they care about you, I mean truly, they WILL put in the time and effort for your friendship. Some friends come into your life for a reason, and some friends come into your life for a season. Neither type of friendship is more valuable than the other, as they are all teaching us things about ourselves and life. I really am looking forward to the future and other possible people and friendships I may run into!
My Perspective...
While many of the responses on this page have touched on the challenges of maintaining and making friends during emerging adulthood, I'd like to talk a little bit more about my experiences with friendship as an emerging adult living through a global pandemic.
During the past year or so, all of my friendships have been virtual. Sure, I still have real-life friends, but all of our interactions have been over the internet. Due to COVID-19, I have not felt comfortable meeting new people or hanging out with my current friends.
Not being able to safely meet in person with friends really sucks. I think we all realize that by now. Like I said in the beginning, social connection is what keeps us happy and healthy. Without seeing people and spending quality time with them in real life, it’s a lot harder to have fulfilling friendships and social connections. I know a lot of people did see their friends throughout the pandemic. I didn’t because my top priority was protecting my grandparents. FaceTime and texting were my only safe options.
I’ve learned to adapt to it pretty well by now. I text my best friends pretty much every day, checking in to see what they’re up to and how they’re doing. I have even made a few new friends virtually through social media and mutual friends, which has been really cool! I definitely wish that I could’ve met these people in real life as soon as I was getting to know them, but I feel confident that I’ll be able to hangout with them in person once it’s safe. Nonetheless, it is really nice to have new people to talk to, even if it’s only online.
One thing I’ve learned about friendship in the time of COVID-19 is that it’s actually a bit easier to make and maintain friendships online. Why? Because it’s convenient and low-risk. You can take time to think about what you want to say. You don’t have to respond to people in an instant, you can take a few hours (or days) to get back to someone, even. You can FaceTime good friends whenever it’s convenient for both parties, often from the comfort of your own bed. There are no excuses not to keep in touch with friends. No conflicting schedules. It doesn’t matter if you’re sick because you can still text. You’re not actually having to put yourself out there in real life. It’s all behind a blue-lighted screen.
As convenient as virtual hangouts can be, I would much rather deal with the inconveniences of conflicting schedules, spending money on gas and food, having to think on my toes while interacting with someone in person, and even the awkwardness of first interactions with a new friend. I’ll take it all. I just want to get back out into the world and hear people laugh again. I want to see a smiling face. This pandemic has given me a newfound appreciation for friendship and spending quality time with loved ones in real life.
It’s also allowed me to appreciate the affordances of technology, because as much as I’m ready to get back into the real world, without technology, I would be completely isolated from any and all friendships right now.