Let's Talk About Adulting
By Kaitlyn Ender
Let's Talk About... Dating & Relationships
Dating is an interesting concept. It’s basically the same process you go through when making friends, except you gotta decide if you want to kiss each other, too. Dating is often fun and exciting for emerging adults, but it can also be tough. We’re still figuring ourselves out and solidifying our identities, our wants, and our goals in life. At the same time, we’re trying to maintain relationships with people that are also going through constant change. While some people end up growing together through this life stage, many grow apart from their partners as they continue to develop into the people they want to be. Some emerging adults are single, while others are dating, in serious relationships, or even married.
Orchid, a 20-year-old direct care worker and fan of thriller novels...
I’m currently in a relationship. We’ve been together for a little over two years now. We started dating when I was newly 18 and he was 20. We went to high school together but never talked much. We became really good friends in 2018 then we started dating. I didn’t expect to get into a relationship so soon after my toxic one ending, but then I started getting to know my current best friend. I didn’t expect to be in such a serious relationship so young into my adulthood life but now I am. I feel like we’ve experienced challenges in the sense that we’re both trying to “get our life together”. We’re both in college right now and trying to figure ourselves out while still supporting and loving each other. It works really well for us.
Daffodil, a 22-year-old aspiring teacher and sports lover…
I have definitely learned that you have to be picky when it comes to dating. It is a privilege to give someone your time and when they don’t value that, it can be super hard to know your worth as an individual. I am not currently in a relationship, but I was from 17-20 and it was one of those relationships that I was blinded by and I didn’t have a strong sense of independence to come back to when things went wrong. For that relationship, it really helped me to reflect and understand what I need in a partner. Sadly, I was cheated on and that really changed my perspective on relationships for a while and has made me cautious when entering other relationships. In a weird, twisted way though it was a blessing in disguise because I started to actually care about who I was dating and not just date around.
Daisy, a 20-year-old college student…
Truthfully, I don’t have much dating experience. I am currently single, and I haven’t dated anyone since my freshman year of college. I’m almost finished with my junior year now. That first relationship was perfect for the stage of life I was in, and I was devastated when it ended.
When I look back on it, though, it wouldn’t have lasted until now. I have grown so much as a person, and my worldview (as well as my perception of myself) are vastly different than they used to be. This person, although he’s wonderful, is still the same. I am perfectly content being single, and I know that when the right person comes along, I’ll be able to tell because they’ll support my ambitions.
Dahlia, a 20-year-old English major working at her college’s writing center…
I am currently in my first serious relationship! I did date a guy for a few months my senior year of high school, and while I did like him, we ended up being better off as friends (which is why I consider this current relationship lore serious) This relationship is more than I could’ve asked for- I’ve always been a hopeless romantic and it was kind of lonely seeing it fall into place for other people, getting crushes on people and being rejected a lot, but I finally have my cute story now. I’ve learned that it’s harder than it looks- life is very hard for the two of us at the moment and since I’m a little older, we’re both at different parts in our lives which is also a little harder at times. I wouldn’t change a thing though- seems cliche but I think it was fate so we’ll work through it.
Azalea, a 22-year-old that started dating during the pandemic…
I have never really dated anyone before the pandemic. Specifically, I started dating at the start of the pandemic, well, not because I was bored out of the isolation or being a complete unsafe person during the first phase of the pandemic. Rather he asked me by asking his mom to ask me - I said sure as I thought what else was I supposed to say.
Dating during a normal world was already hard but dating during a pandemic added that extra barrier of challenges to determine if it's safe to meet face to face. That guy had a crush on me for as long as I have first met him. I was confused, anxious, and a total frazzle about the whole situation. I had millions of questions running through my mind. How do I know I can trust him? Why did he not say anything sooner? Why did he want to date me? How are we even going to go on a date?
I talked with a couple good friends about my dilemma. And one thing to this day that stuck to me is (and I'm going to big time quote it because I really can't put it in other words):
"Don’t give your whole heart away at once. Find someone who accepts you giving them one piece at a time. That is a kind respectful person who will treat your vulnerability with care. It also protects you from giving away pieces of yourself that you can’t take back. It allows a relationship to progress safely. It’s often, and normal, that we throw all of us in at the beginning which exposes us to more heartbreak than we really can handle. But if you do it bit by bit, then it hurts less if you find an area of trust where that person isn’t worthy of your heart anymore, because you haven’t given the whole thing. If you are with someone who pushes for more than what you feel safe to give, then you know they have their own interests in mind rather than yours."
I think I safely progressed with this guy and ultimately it did not work out because of different life values and he was super respectful of my boundaries and I felt safe that I only shared a part of my life that I felt comfortable sharing. I think that piece of advice really set some boundaries for myself that people don't deserve my story if they are only seeking to satisfy their own needs.
Violet, a 17-year-old that loves drawing and is planning to attend community college...
My first ever long term relationship ended in November of 2020. It spanned for nine months, and it was a blessing and a curse. Him and I met through a mutual friend a few years back, and we talked ever since. We had so many ups and downs, since we live 40 minutes apart. But when I finally got my license, everything changed. I drove to go see him over winter break, and I was so excited. we were home alone at his house, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was over the moon, because that’s what I had been wanting for over a year to be his girlfriend. And he was finally mine. Things were picture perfect for the first few months. I would drive to see him, and we would go on dates, and do other sorts of things.
However, Covid 19 hit during March, and it threw things off for us. We didn’t see each other from March until May of last year, and it was a beautiful reunion. I remember coming home and crying because I was so extremely happy to see him. I thought that I could never love someone else like I loved him, and I couldn’t fathom how happy he made me.
Things slowly began to change, as my mental health declined, and as the 40 minute drive to his house became way too taxing for me emotionally and physically. We had very conflicting lifestyles as well, since he was big into smoking and drinking, and I’m not too fond of it. I became upset and tired because I couldn’t keep up. I was falling back into my depression, and was having the worst mood swings ever. Things soured pretty fast, but it was always an underlying thing as we tried to make it work.
A few weeks before we broke up, we were on FaceTime together, and I was so annoyed with him for no reason. I wanted the call to end as fast as possible. I began to question what was wrong with me. That was the person I loved, and I couldn’t even stand to hear the sound of his voice anymore. A month later, he did something that I wasn’t comfortable with, so I called him, freaking out, asking where he was. Later that night, he broke up with me over text and I was crushed, even though I knew it was impending. I think he regretted it though, because for months after, he’d text me every day and say that his relationship with his rebound girlfriend wasn’t working, and that he missed me. It made me panic so hard, because it’s not what I wanted to hear since I had moved on.
We don’t talk anymore, and as much as I wish we could have split amicably, it taught me a lesson. I learned that I need to trust my instincts when things feel wrong. It’s okay to talk to your partner about how you feel, and if they aren’t receptive, then they might not be right for you. Lastly, relationships take a ton of work. You can’t expect things to be perfect all the time, and it’s impossible (for me) to try to recreate the feeling of new love that I wanted so badly near our end. Your feelings are susceptible to change just like anything else. As long as the love and communication remains, that’s all that matters. You are so worthy of love and respect, and you need to establish boundaries and expectations to receive the love and treatment you deserve. right now, I’m open to dating or other intimate relationships per se. I’m letting life take me where it wants me to go because after all, I need that more than anything.
Blossom, a 20-year-old art-lover living at home…
I think when it comes to dating and relationships at our age, it's super complicated. In my experience, I've had a lot of insecurity and shame over the things I either have done or haven't done. And I think that's super messed up. Personally, I find this topic to be really intimate and I've always been very confused why people compare what they've done physically/sexually in any environment outside of a high school cafeteria... what I'm trying to say is that I think it's unnecessary and kinda juvenile. Not that I think there's something wrong with discussion or sharing stories... but that I see it a weird, strange thing to compare/compete with something so... personal. I think girls (in my opinion) have an excess amount of pressure put on them to be in a relationship. As a girl myself, it's never been a priority to me. When it happens, it happens, whatever that is. Lesson: Don't compare yourself.
Blossom, I totally agree; intimacy shouldn't be compared because it is so personal. Everyone has different boundaries, expectations, and experiences when it comes to sex & intimacy. To prove my point, I'll share one really important personal expectation that I have for relationships: I want to wait for physical intimacy. I am not someone that engages in hookup culture and I see sex as something that is special and best enjoyed when two people are truly in love with each other. I don’t judge others who feel differently, but I can’t really compromise my needs in this area. While I haven’t had any real suitors to test this out on since my first relationship, I feel like a lot men might see it as a deal breaker for them. There are several personal reasons that I feel the way I do about this, which I will briefly describe in case you’re curious:
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I do not want to get pregnant anytime in the near future.
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I would rather not be on birth control, which might explain why #1 is such a concern for me. I tried taking the pill for a week and had a horrible reaction to it. The pill caused me to have panic attacks for the first time and I felt really awful. If I can avoid taking a drug that messes with my body's hormones and my emotions, I will avoid it at all costs (Note: I am in total support of birth control usage and I highly encourage it as an option for preventing pregnancy, it just personally didn't work out well for me!)
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There are other forms of physical intimacy besides intercourse. I’ll leave it at that.
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I want to be truly committed to a lifelong partnership with someone before taking that physical and emotional step. It takes a lot of trust to engage in such an intimate act, and it can have life changing consequences as well. It's so easy to become attached after being intimate with someone and I just personally can't imagine even wanting to have sex with someone that doesn't love me enough to want to be with me forever. I want to make sure I’m with the right person, and if that means waiting until I'm fully comfortable and confident in my partner, then I’ll wait.
The main reason I'm sharing this is to try and give voice to the emerging adults that also feel this way. The media portrays our 20s as a time when pretty much everyone is hooking up, and if you're not, you're missing out. I'm here to say NO to that! It is totally okay to be abstinent, waiting for the right person, uninterested in sex, or even too busy for intimacy. It's also perfectly fine if you are engaging in sex or other forms of physical intimacy- as long as you're being safe and everything is consensual. When it comes to sex and physical intimacy in relationships, there is no "right" or "wrong," it call comes down to personal preference and advocating for your wants and needs. The right person will be understanding and supportive!
Cedar, a 21-year-old college student…
When I turned 18 I was about 7 months into my first ever relationship. My ideas about what a relationship should be like were very naive at that point and I had these ideas in my head about staying together despite going to different colleges. Having always been shy, I was afraid to lose her thinking it might be my only chance. Over the last few years, though, I've come to learn far more about dating in general but more importantly what I want from it. I've gone through multiple different periods where I either want a girlfriend or am just looking for casual hookups. In the end, though, I'm at a place now where I don't really look for either one. I think it's better to go with the flow and decide later on what I want based on the specific person.
That first girlfriend and I broke up in a pretty bad way at the beginning of college and it left me in a bad place for a long time. I didn't get into a relationship again for another year and a half, though that next one only lasted about two months. My most recent real relationship has probably been my best and taught me the most about what a good relationship can be like. It was a girl I met at a bar and would casually see fairly often. After around 4 months of this I think we both ended up developing feelings for each other and I finally said something, so we started dating. We had to break up when she graduated but we are still good friends and I think that speaks to how I've changed with regards to dating. I never felt self-conscious around her like I had with past girlfriends and I felt more free to speak my mind and be my own person while still seeing her a lot. I learned those were the aspects of a relationship that need to exist for it to be healthy at least for me.
Currently I've been seeing a girl for the first time in a while due to covid which has been nice. It's just been casual but hey who knows? The main thing with relationships and dating that I've been dealing with is purely my anxiety. When I don't know somebody well and I'm interested in them, as in this case, I vastly overthink things like what I send over text and it usually backfires on me.
Cedar, I totally know what you mean about overthinking! I do that all of the time, especially when talking with a new friend or romantic interest. I'm really glad to hear that you were able to be your true self in your last relationship, it is so so important to feel comfortable speaking your mind and being your own person!
I learned how important confidence is for dating during can my junior year of college. I was finishing my final semester of Spanish and for some reason, I projected a ton of confidence in that class. Normally I’m the shy, quiet student who has a mini panic attack at the thought of having to answer a question in front of others. However, this was a rare occurrence where I actually allowed my personality to shine.
For context, I had just spent the whole summer healing from my first breakup. I had elevated my style and took time to really work on myself. When I came to class, I was relaxed and happy. All of these factors were allowed me to make connections more easily.
I ended up talking with 3 different guys from that class. We would get partnered up with different students often, which gave me the opportunity to talk with more people than I would in a normal class (or any other setting, really.)
I remember each of these guys giving me their numbers and asking to study together (on different occasions of course. Can you imagine if they all approached me at the same time? That’s some romcom material right there).
I ended up going on study dates with all three guys throughout the semester. While none of them ever turned into anything more than friends, I learned how much of a difference it can make to be confident in myself. By giving myself the freedom to show my true personality and have fun in class with different people, I was able to make connections so much easier.
I discovered the importance of making the first “move” too, even if it’s not in a romantic way. Having the confidence to talk to these guys is what opened the door to exploring friendships with them.
While it can be challenging to be your true self with new people, having the confidence to be unapologetically yourself will make all of the difference in who you attract and the success of your relationships.
Wisteria, an 18-year-old interested in painting and the outdoors…
I’ll have been with my boyfriend for 4 years this April. there have been many challenges small and big, but just as many successes. I’ve learned that love is hard work. it doesn’t just come easy.
Sunflower, a 20-year-old workout enthusiast majoring in biochemistry…
Dating has looked pretty rocky for me. Personally I consider myself to have only had two "real" relationships. I "dated" a boy from freshman year of high school to sophomore year of high school, but I (shocker) was not allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 16, and I was very much not 16 then LOL so it was a secret boyfriend (which by the way, everyone pretty much knew about so it wasn't much of a secret haha). It was your typical first freshman year boyfriend, very toxic, very messed up.. just overall did not end up going well. Due to it being a secret from my parents (one of many poor choices I have made in my childhood and emerging adulthood LOL), I do not consider it to be a real first relationship because we never ever went on dates, or anything of the sort. So it was never treated as a real relationship, therefore I will not address it as a real relationship.
Fast forward to the summer after sophomore year. The freshman year "boyfriend" was long gone, and I was having the best summer ever with my best friends. We were going to fairs all the time, concerts, and sleepovers. At one fair in particular, my best friends and I came across this group of four boys. Four boys that would end up impacting our lives quite a bit. I spent many late (I mean late... like 4:00am) nights staying up talking on the phone with one of these boys. I really, really liked him. We all got along so well and it felt so "perfect" at the time. My best friend was dating one of the boys and I was talking to one of them, too. This boy really got to me. We spent the entire summer FaceTiming, talking ALL the time, going to fairs, and just becoming such close friends.
After the summer ended, we continued to talk every day into the beginning of the school year, and I really, really liked him. It was getting close to my 16th birthday and I genuinely thought this boy was going to end up being my first real boyfriend. He ended up asking me to go to his homecoming game and dance with him, which of course I said yes. I went, and it was a blast! This relationship/friendship was so genuine and pure, we literally only hugged and held hands once, and it just felt like a legitimate movie. But then again, I believe I was looking at this relationship with rose colored glasses because in comparison to the other boys I had encountered beforehand, this current boy really seemed like "the one" even though he had his flaws. He did not want to commit, so we ended up going our separate ways and that was that. We have spoke once since the last time we talked.
After the fair boy and I stopped talking, I met this other guy. He was different. We instantly got along so well and became best friends. He was so funny and was so charismatic. This friendship started off so well and at that moment I really thought I finally landed on "the one" (spoiler alert, this dude was yet again, a loser and NOT the one... LOL). So, this guy and I started talking, became best friends, I went to homecoming with him at our high school, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and we began dating. He was my first boyfriend. We did SO much together. But, he unfortunately came from a very toxic family environment, and it was hard to date someone that lived in the way he did. His mom was extremely controlling and literally would not let us go on dates alone (like not even drive ourselves even when we got our licenses...) because she was convinced he would impregnate me in the car???? We weren't even sexually active LOL.
Anyway, it was just really hard to keep a connection with this guy since our relationship at that age was a lot different than our friends because our parents had to drive us to and from our dates, and we had little to no privacy in the relationship. Three months into the relationship things got bad and we fought ALL the time. Nobody really knew about this (if you're reading this now you know haha) but yeah, we just stopped getting along. But, I was so stubborn and wanted to be loved so badly that I stayed in the toxic relationship. We definitely should've broken up then. But, we continued dating and over the many months we fought a lot more, did not go on very many dates, and there was no romantic connection as much as we tried to force it. It was one of those relationships where we forced it for pictures and videos and for our friends and families, but on the inside we really were not happy with ourselves or with each other, it's actually very sad to think about.
Fast forward to senior year, this boy and I had been dating for almost a whole year! My longest relationship yet. We went to senior year homecoming together, and not even a week later, right before our one year anniversary, he calls me and breaks up with me over the phone. I was so distraught, but why?? I knew I didn't actually love this boy, or hell, even like him?? Why was I so upset over this kid that would mean nothing to me months later? I was so lonely and so unhappy with myself, that's why. I tried to make myself happy with people and things, rather than focusing on myself and what really mattered to make me genuinely happy. So, we broke up and went our separate ways. Even though I was over him, the idea of closing a chapter that was such a pivotal point in the beginning of my emerging adulthood was really hard. And oh, of course he was with the girl he told me not to worry about the day after we broke up... you know how it goes! Anyway, enough about junior year boy. Let's get to the best part of the dating story.
A month after junior year boy's breakup with me, I finally felt sure of myself. I felt free. I was a senior in high school thriving in my classes, making some new friendships, enjoying after school theatre activities and more, and I just felt like I was back to my normal self. One day in AP Lit, I noticed this boy. We had been in the same class together for months at this point, but I finally noticed him on this particular day. Coincidentally, this cute boy from AP Lit and I were put into a group together. It was all about discussing the love story between Catherine and Heathcliff (if you know, you know). So how fitting was it to be discussing love with this boy that would (SPOILER ALERT) end up being "the one"...finally! So, AP Lit boy and I would talk, and do our schoolwork in this group, and of course the whole time I'd just stare at him in awe LOL. Then, I realized his friends were boys that I had known all my life, so I felt comfortable around them and started cracking jokes and chatting them up.
I remember the day AP Lit boy and I started talking officially. I was sitting behind him and we were talking all throughout class, and up until that point I had a crush, but never thought of acting on it, but my intuition that day told me this boy was something special. So, I went home and contacted a girlfriend of mine to get one of his best friends numbers, and I contacted his best friend and asked for his number. We began talking, and when I tell you that I've never met someone SO different from me, yet SO similar, this boy was it. We have completely different music tastes, pretty different movie and TV tastes, different hobbies, etc. but we had SO much to talk about for being two people that had never met before. It was so easy to talk to him, it just felt like I was home.
We talked for a few weeks, and then he asked me on our first date. That date with him was my first first date, ever! It was so exciting. I remember spending hours trying to decide what to wear. He came to my house and picked me up and met my parents, we had such a lovely first date, and he brought me home and then we KISSED! I had kissed a few boys at this point, but this kiss was different. Like I said before, it felt like I was home. We kept talking and going on more and more dates, and then about a month after meeting for the first time, he asked me to be his girlfriend. As I write this on March 15th, 2021, we have been together for almost three and a half years! It was a long time coming, and well deserved, but I finally have found the person whom I believe is "the one".
Now, things change and people change, and we have definitely grown SO much since the first time we were put in that group together in AP Lit, but we have grown and changed together and individually in the best ways. This boy has brought me to my true and most happiest self, and no, things are absolutely not always sunshine and rainbows, and they never will be, but our relationship has always been so mature, it's been honest, and it's been real. We try our best to communicate and to give each other the utmost respect. We have been on so many adventures together. He loves my family and I love his, and like I've said so many times, being with him just feels like I am home. I don't have any doubts or insecurities about myself or about us when I'm in this relationship, and it just feels so mature and healthy. Much different than what I was experiencing in previous years.
I know long term relationships (especially ones stemming from high school) don't usually work out, but somehow ours has truly blossomed and I really do hope I marry this man one day. Overall, I have learned that yet again, people come into your life for a reason or a season. And everything happens for a reason and for your greater purpose. I would have never met the boy from AP Lit in the way that I did if I hadn't gone through the trials and tribulations that I went through during the years prior. Another thing: you cannot love someone truly, until you genuinely love yourself. I learned that the hard way. It's so important to be so sure of yourself before you can be so sure about anyone else.
My perspective...
If you've read the other responses on this page, then you'll probably have a good idea about what it's like to be dating or in a relationship during your emerging adulthood. While I could share a lot about what I learned from my first relationship and through dating, I think it's even more important to talk about being single!
I would argue that I’ve grown more as a person in the past two years than I have during my entire lifetime thus far. This is the case for many different reasons, but one of the main ones is that I’ve been able to truly focus on myself and my needs. Without having a partner to lean on, I’ve had the opportunity to pick myself up when I’m down and to comfort myself when I’m feeling lonely. I have actually figured out how to be happy by myself.
“But how?” some might ask. “What’s so great about being single in your twenties?” Well, let me list some reasons out for you:
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Being single gives you the opportunity to practice being independent and self-reliant. You learn how to enjoy taking yourself out to dinner. You learn how to give yourself affection and attention. Eventually, you even understand that you will be okay without anyone else in your life. You learn to stop longing for another person and to find happiness within yourself and your own life.
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Your emotions are able to remain more stable. This may be specific to me, but when I was in my first relationship, I spent probably 50% of it unhappy. I’d cry all of the time because I felt so lonely and neglected. My emotions were constantly on a roller coaster; some days I’d be on an extreme high, and others I’d be at a very low point. It was emotionally and physically exhausting to keep up with such strong emotions on a daily basis. While this may have also been due to my age and immaturity, I still believe that relationships can cause emotional fluctuations because of how intimate they are. If it’s a healthy and strong relationship, the good will severely outweigh the hard times, but being single makes it so you don’t have to deal with any of it! I personally have found it really beneficial to have a break from the rollercoaster of emotions that come with a serious romantic relationship.
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This kind of goes along with #1, but being single also gives you the chance to guide your future in a direction that is solely based on YOU. There’s no planning to compromise which city to live in or whether or not to continue your education. By being on my own, I’ve been forced to evaluate my life and decide what I want for myself. In doing this, I decided that I want to go to graduate school and pursue my master’s in social work. I also decided that I wanted to get my very own first apartment this fall, where I can have my own space and continue becoming independent. If I were to be in a serious relationship at this point, I might’ve felt like I couldn’t do these things. Maybe I would’ve ended up moving in with a partner and following them wherever they needed to be. Maybe I would’ve jumped right into the workforce, without even allowing myself to entertain the idea of furthering my education. There’s no way to really know if I would’ve made the same choices had I been in a serious relationship, but the one thing I do know is that I’m making these decisions for myself and only myself. I’m achieving all of my greatest goals without letting anyone hold me back, which gives me true happiness (and the ability to be secure in my own lifestyle before meeting my life partner).
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It’s really fun to think about what your soulmate or future partner will be like without actually having to worry about it on a daily basis. I can rest easy knowing that I will eventually meet “the one,” but it’s not something that’s taking over my life. I get to watch myself grow and flourish while also having the excitement of knowing that I will be meeting my life partner sometime in the future.
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In a pandemic, being single is the ultimate blessing. I lived through COVID-19 with grandparents and we barely left our home for the entire year. I can’t imagine having a significant other and not being able to spend time with them for 365 days or more. I also can’t imagine what a struggle it would’ve been to try and visit them without worrying about exposing myself or my loved ones to the virus. All in all, the pandemic has given me a good excuse to be single, and it’s allowed me to truly bask in all of the glory that is “being alone.”
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Being single gives you the chance to really think about what you want in a relationship and in a partner. Thanks to the pandemic, I have had an abundance of time to contemplate everything I value and want in relationships. I’ve also had the chance to reflect on myself and what I can do better as a partner.
Iris, a 20-year-old majoring in human services...
Besides the boyfriend in my answer about friendship, I have had two boyfriends. One was my first real love, and my situation was similar to yours! I spent way too much time prioritizing him, his wants/needs, and our time together and forgot to enjoy myself and the other important people in my life. One of the things I regret most about high school is giving him all my energy and love, instead of equaling it out between everyone I cared for and myself. With my boyfriend now, I can finally say I know what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship.
Iris, I am so happy to hear that you're in a healthy relationship with your current boyfriend! I really resonate with what you said about giving all of your energy to your significant other. It's actually wild how romantic relationships can impacts friendships too; especially first loves.
During my late teens, I spent a lot of time with my first boyfriend (now, my first ex-boyfriend). I dated him from the ages of 17-20 years old. While in that relationship, especially because it was my “first love,” I neglected a lot of my friendships. I really regret that.
I dated this person during my first two years of college, which caused me to be less adamant about making friends. I relied on him for companionship, but now, I see how that was a mistake. From what I hear, it’s pretty common to get all wrapped up in your first romantic relationship. I’ve had many friends fall off the face of the earth once they get a boyfriend or girlfriend. I myself was a bit guilty of this as well.
One thing I learned is that it’s super important to have a balance between spending time with your significant other and your friends. I now understand that friends (especially the good ones) will always be there for you, while romantic relationships are often temporary (especially while you’re young). Ever since my first relationship ended, I’ve placed even more value on friendship because I know how important that social connection is for my wellbeing.
Lotus, a 24-year-old pursuing a graduate degree…
Dating should be enjoyable at least partially. The only person I had ever dated was a senior I met in a summer camp. Him and I were both camp leaders, I can't quite recall my first impression of him. He is a nice person with a decent life. I wanted to befriend with him at that time as I didn't have any male friends growing up. I didn't know how it feels like to have an opposite-sex friend and I was curious and longed for a different kind of friendship. I didn't know why he was attracted to me, he was probably under the influence of alcohol at last gathering with all camp leaders. We only knew each other for little more than a month and occasionally chatted. I didn't know why one day he confessed his attraction towards me and l felt so overwhelmed and didn't know what to do about it.
It feels good to be liked, and it's more likely to like a person who likes you. Additionally, it is a sign of mating value, a sign of you are worthy of love. I am not that kind of person whom gets a lot of attention from male, I was flattered but also disappointed that I lost a chance to have an opposite-sex friend. He was a bit feminine and I thought he was gay. So imagine how surprised I was when he started to flirt with me. Anyhow, I went on a date with him and I was very hesitant of whether I should enter a romantic relationship with him. At that time, I didn't even know what it means to like someone, to be attracted by someone, or to call someone my boyfriend. I didn't have a definition of love or romantic attraction, so I couldn't give an answer to whether I liked him as a friend or a potential partner. He pushed me and said he couldn't be friends with me. I didn't want to lose him as a friend and I agreed to be his girlfriend.
I started to date him without knowing what it means to date someone. We texted constantly, he shared his life with me in length. The exchange of daily-life events was more unidirectional, I wasn't interested in what happened in his life at all. It turned out I didn't care about him enough to be his girlfriend. I don't think I can ever pretend I like someone at all after this relationship as I didn't know how to respond properly to him. I wanted to split the bill with him every time we went on a date and I didn't want to owe him anything (now I know a dating relationship should be communal and not about equal exchanges). I felt very guilty of being nonchalant and distant to him. I tried to like him or act like I care as much as he did, but I failed. I didn't like his kiss or touch, and there's almost not a single aspect in this dating experience appeared enjoyable to me. I was disgusted when he said he wanted to have sex with me, for a very long period of time I thought that was natural for me to repel sex even with someone I love, as I was sexually assaulted by my step-father and later by my teacher. I was scared of sex-related behaviors, so when he caressed me I wanted to push him away. However, luckily he loved me enough to accept my request of not having sex until we get married which I knew from the bottom of my heart, it will never happen.
He was very nice to me and definitely a catch for many girls. In retrospection that was one of the reasons why I agreed to be his girlfriend even though I wasn't fully attracted to him. It feels good to have a boyfriend with good qualities, especially when you are insecure and lonely. I used him for show, I dated him in exchange of a dating experience so that I have something to talk about when it comes to dating. I'm not proud of myself and I felt bad that I hurt him. I know a better decision would have been not dating him at all and walking away. He liked me so much that he put himself in a vulnerable position and became so exploitable to me. I knew I had power over him, and I liked that. It is difficult not to be evil while you can, but still I couldn't stand the growing guilt and boredom I bore in this relationship after just a month. So I broke up with him and we ended the relationship neatly.
Later I got my karma, I fell in love with another person helplessly and he could hurt me easily. I wanted to see him, talk to him, be with him and stay intimate with him all the time. I learn what it feels to love someone, I just wanted him to be happy and I was okay even I was not the one he dated, even if he loved someone else. He should not be in this story as we never dated, we hanged out a lot, too often that it seemed like we were dating. The relationship with him was ambiguous thus painful, I didn't know where to draw the line and I needed a label for this relationship.
Can we talk all the time and share everything about our life, and show affection towards each other without commitment? Should I feel okay when he said he dreamed about having sex with me? The signals were mixed and I had enough. I learned that I need commitment in a relationship, if we are friends, we should not be too intimate with each other, if we are dating each other, we should share similar expectation of how we should integrate each other in our life. I don't need to guess whether you will be willing to do this and that with me, whether you will be there for me when I need it. I also learn that I can't accept polyamory, I need to know that I'm the only one he is willing to devote his time and love to. I know everyone is likely to be attracted by someone other than the current partner, but I need to know that he will not act upon his feelings and willing to fulfill his promises. I need security and certain predictable in my dating relationship. At least that is what I can learn over my past semi-dating relationships.
Lotus, I resonate a lot with your experiences and I'm proud of you for recognizing your needs and adjusting your expectations accordingly. During the last 4 or 5 years, I have also learned a ton about what I want from a significant other, what I need from a romantic relationship, and who I am as a partner.
For starters, I discovered that I really value being friends with someone before becoming romantically involved. I learned the hard way that a relationship will not be strong if the two people aren’t compatible friends from the beginning. Keeping that in mind, it is often really difficult to begin a relationship in this way. It seems as though most people jump right into romance, or they become friend-zoned and don’t know how (or when) to make a move. While I can’t really say how to combat this, I do know that I prefer to take things slow when getting into a relationship.
Another thing I’ve learned about myself as a partner is that I do not trust easily. Growing up, I was abused by my father and developed many trust issues because of the treatment I received from certain people in my life. All of that emotional trauma remains with me, and it tells me to be cautious of everyone, especially those that I am close to. I tend to be skeptical of people until I know them really well, so it’s important for me to allow myself time to trust my romantic partner. It’s also crucial that they understand and respect my needs by taking things slow and being open and honest with me about who they really are.
Based on many of the responses here, it is evident that many of us are beginning to understand our own personal expectations and needs, which is a very important part of relationships and dating.