Let's Talk About Adulting
By Kaitlyn Ender
Let's Talk About... Family
Family plays an important role in our lives, no matter what age we are. During emerging adulthood, young adults are often gaining more independence from their families. Many are moving out of the house to go to college or begin work. Some emerging adults are still financially and emotionally dependent on their families, while others are becoming more self-reliant in these areas. Family dynamics may shift, with parental relationships beginning to look more like friendships. Siblings and extended family often continue to play a large role in the lives of emerging adults as well. It's important to acknowledge that many individuals have faced hardships and trauma within their family, including divorce, abuse, or death. All of these experiences are likely to impact emerging adults as they navigate adulthood.
Cosmo, an 18-year-old incoming college student and creator of art and music…
My relationship with my family is the strongest relationship I have. I consider anyone who I love unconditionally, is very close to me, and who I trust you 1000% family. I truly do believe that the only people you cannot stay mad at for a long are your family members. In the past few years, I have started to gain a little bit more independence and going off to college will definitely push that independence even further. I will always be close to my family and stay connected unconditionally, but I will not always have to depend on them for everything.
Snowdrop, a 22-year-old aspiring wildland firefighter and lover of the outdoors…
Relationship with my immediate family has always been great. Extended family like aunts and uncles have been hit or miss. Stuff happens in life to everyone, and times push people together and can pull people apart. I lost my dad back in high school which brought everyone together. Now it’s been a few years and I’m not sure what happened, but my family seems to all only do their own thing now.
Snowdrop, I am really sorry to hear about your dad's passing. I also had a similar experience when my great grandmother passed away when I was in high school. My entire family on my mom's side was super close before her passing, as she had 6 children and many grandchildren. She really was the glue that held our family together.
Soon after she passed, things got more hostile between some of her children, and eventually we stopped having family parties. We tried to get together once or twice a year for birthdays or graduations, but it just didn't feel the same as before.
Since COVID-19 hit, I actually feel a lot closer to my extended family. I started by talking with my aunt and telling her about the app Houseparty, which is basically like FaceTime but it also has games that you can play. She downloaded the app, and we started playing once a week.
A week later, my other aunt joined us. Then my grandma got the app, along with my cousins. Now we all get together every Sunday night at 7pm on Houseparty to catch up or play a few games. It has helped me feel more connected to them than I have in years, even though we haven't been able to visit in person for a long time. I never would've thought that technology could bring me this close to my extended family, but I am so thankful that it has!
Violet, a 17-year-old that loves drawing and is planning to attend community college...
I can’t lie, my family relationships have been rocky. My parents split up a few months ago, and things haven’t been the same since. I live with my mom and sister, whom I love more than anything in the world. I love my dad too, but because of everything that happened, I’m not sure how I should feel. It’s an extremely delicate situation, and I’m trying my best to navigate it with therapy. Even though this all sucks, I believe it was meant to happen for a reason. I think it’s not healthy for anyone to stay in a marriage because of its longevity. And my parents have been married a long time. Things don’t work out, and it’s just part of life.
As for my other family, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins have all been a wonderful support system for us. My cousin Grace is my absolute favorite person in the entire world. We were born 3 months apart, and we’ve been best friends our entire lives. We have the same sense of humor, and there’s hardly a dull moment when we’re together. I truly can tell her anything without fear or judgment. We’ve been there for each other through the good and the bad. Grace is my heart and soul, and I wouldn’t be who I am without her. The same thing for my mother. She’s an angel, and the most selfless person I know. She’s beautiful, and smart, and talented. She is fluent in 3 languages, is a total animal whisperer, can do gymnastics, and is one of the most empathetic people in the whole world. She deserves the best out of life, and I’ll support her no matter what.
Family is very important to me, and even though you may not get along with every relative, it’s amazing when you find the ones who treat you with the respect you deserve, and uplift you through anything.
Violet, you have such a mature outlook on this situation! I am glad that you're able to recognize that sometimes things just don't work out for two people who were once in love. This is a hard reality to accept because there is often no tangible reason that comes wrapped in a neat little bow.
I'm also happy to hear that you've been working through this in therapy; I am a huge advocate for therapy and have used it to cope many times in my life!
I want to draw attention to a point you made in the last sentence of your response: it's absolutely wonderful when you have family members that will lift you up and support you, but it's not always that simple. As you'll see in several of the stories shared on this page, many people do not have supportive family members. In those cases, individuals most likely aren't able to rely on their unsupportive or toxic family member, so it is important that they find other loving, supportive people in their life to cheer them on.
For me, those people have been my grandparents, my brother, my mom, mentors, aunts, and friends. I have had a very strained relationship with my dad and his side of the family, but I've found all of the love I need in other family, mentors, and friends. To anyone that is struggling with an unsupportive or toxic family member, try to find people in your life that will act as a source of support and encouragement, even if they're not related by blood!
Iris, a 20-year-old majoring in human services...
TW: mention of abuse
Growing up, I was mostly raised by my grandparents. My dad has always been very mentally abusive, which I didn’t realize until I became much older, and my brother has had many health issues that required my parents and him to be in the hospital often, leaving me in the care with either my grandma or grandpa (they were divorced). When they died while I was around the age of 10-13, I was severely depressed because it felt as if I was left an orphan, because I viewed them the way a child would of their parents. My dad started abusing alcohol, and his abuse became more frequent and obvious. I have always been very outspoken, sassy when it came to something I felt was an injustice (I always say I wasn’t made to be subtle), so I constantly stood up against my dad when he was essentially abusing my mom and brother. Despite aiming the abuse at me now, I became very close with my mom. We’re literal best friends, and I’d take a bullet for her. I love her more than life itself and I know I’ll never be alone as long as I have her. Life hasn’t been easy for us, and not many people know how hard my childhood was, but I’m grateful for how strong, brave, and resilient it has made me. I don’t think I’d be such a flaming feminist if it weren’t for what I’ve been through.
Iris, I am shocked to see how many similarities we share in this domain! I also had a very emotionally abusive father growing up and I started living with my grandparents from the age of twelve. I'm really sorry to hear that your grandparents passed away.
I can also relate to you in being very outspoken. I like to think of it as a positive trait because it means that I am not afraid to advocate for my needs and what's right. Growing up with an abusive father, I had to learn from a young age to stand up for myself and my younger brother.
One important lesson I learned from the abuse I experienced is that it is only a reflection of the abuser's own issues and has nothing to do with me. When I was a child and teen, I took my father's abuse personally. While I always knew it was wrong, I couldn't help but wonder at times if it I was a bad child or if my dad just really hated me that much.
Through years of healing and therapy, I realize that there was never anything I could really do to change my dad and the way he treated me. I learned that he struggles with mental illness and that his behaviors are a direct reflection of his own personal struggles. There is no excuse for abuse and he absolutely was in the wrong, but I am now able to recognize that it had nothing to do with me as a daughter or person.
I truly hope that the situation with your dad has improved and that you and your loved ones are safe. It is so important to ask for help in any situation of abuse, so I urge anyone reading this to reach out for support if you are in a dangerous situation.
Michigan Abuse & Neglect Toll Free Number (for children and adults): (855) 444-3911
Sunflower, a 20-year-old workout enthusiast majoring in biochemistry…
I have an extremely solid relationship with my family! My parents have been divorced ever since I was four years old, but fortunately I have lived a life with very "normal" parents. I find that in the movies and in real life, a lot of the time one parent in a divorced family situation has major issues with alcohol, drugs, etc. and in my case, both of my parents are great people who just weren't meant to be together! My dad ended up marrying my wonderful stepmom who I am super close with and have known basically my whole life, too. And my mom married my amazing stepdad who is so sweet to her and my brother and I! My family dynamic is definitely not typical but it works and I am so grateful for my four parents!
I would say I am closest to my dad, we have always been best friends and super close, but I am equally close with my three other parents in different ways. Family means so much to me, it always has. I will forever go out of my way to be there for my parents and my siblings, and I know they would do the same for me. My brother and I are three years apart and my sister and I are eleven years apart, but regardless of age differences and life experiences, I am super close with both of them! I am super grateful for that too, because I know many of my friends are not close with their parents or their siblings.
Dahlia, a 20-year-old English major working at her college’s writing center…
Family has changed for sure. My relationship with my mom is more like we’re friends I think. Growing up before, I had a lot of pressure from her about a few different things, but now she trusts me to do things on my own which has lessened the pressure she puts on me quite a bit. My dad and I haven’t had a change in our relationship as much I don’t think, and that’s the same to say about my brother and I too.
Orchid, a 20-year-old direct care worker and fan of thriller novels...
My family has changed a lot since entering early adulthood. My father passed away when I was 17 years old. He was the one I was closest to. At the time I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my mom. Since then our relationship has improved greatly. My relationship with my older brother has improved a lot since then as well. We’re all a lot closer now. I feel like the fact that I’m older and have a better sense of myself has definitely contributed to that.
Daffodil, a 22-year-old aspiring teacher and sports lover…
I would say my relationship with my family since I left for college is stronger than it’s ever been. High school I struggled with my dad leaving for work often and my mom and I not really getting along. Since I went to school, I grew and became more independent and now I can say my mom is my best friend and my dad is someone who I can lean on for anything.
Daffodil, I am so happy to hear that your relationships with your parents have improved in recent years. This appears to be a common theme for many emerging adults, myself included!
During my adolescence, I struggled a lot with my relationships with both of my parents. Neither of them were really in my life and I had resentment built up towards them because of our strained relationships.
Now that I'm older and have had time to process my trauma and heal from it, I have mended my relationship with my mother a lot. I am still very distant from my dad (and I probably always will be), but I am grateful that I've been able to reconnect with my mom in recent years. Our relationship has transitioned really well into more of an adult friendship, now that I am older.
I completely agree with you about how independence can help improve parental relationships. Another thing that helped me a lot was time. Therapy, too. I had a lot of things I needed to work through in order to begin forgiving my parents, but I am so glad I reached out for help when I started college. I highly recommend therapy for emerging adults that are struggling with any type of past trauma-it can really change your life for the better!
Daisy, a 20-year-old college student…
TW: mentions of abuse
My father was abusive while I grew up, and that was something I didn’t realize until a few months before I left for college. It’s something I still haven’t confronted him for, but I have learned to cope with it and forgive him for it. We aren’t close now, but we get along fine. I have always connected with my mom, and in recent years, I have felt comfortable bringing up some of the things that scarred me growing up. She’s supportive and receptive. My three brothers and I used to fight all the time, but now we laugh about it. My family is still very important to me, but I don’t consider blood to be thicker than water.
Daisy, you are so right, blood really isn't thicker than water. I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. I'm glad you've found ways to cope with the trauma, I know from personal experience that forgiving an abusive parent is extremely difficult. It's also not a linear process, at least for me personally. There are some days when I think I've fully forgiven the people in my life that have done me wrong, but then the next day I am flooded with feelings or resentment, anger, or disappointment. I went to therapy during my freshman year of college and my therapist told me that "forgiveness is a lifelong process." That couldn't be more true. Be patient with yourself and do what is best for you. If that means moving on without confrontation, that's okay. But if you would benefit from simply telling your dad how his abuse has impacted you, then I say go for it (as long as you'll be safe doing so.)
Michigan Abuse & Neglect Toll Free Number (for children and adults): (855) 444-3911
Lotus, a 24-year-old pursuing a graduate degree…
I did not and still do not feel close to my family even at the most difficult time of my life. However, I know they are people whom I can rely on and trust if anything bad happens to me. To give you more details of my immediate family, I have a mother and a step brother, and around three years ago my big brother gave birth to a baby girl and got married (this is the right order), so I guess I should count my sister-in-law in. I have mixed feelings towards my family, they have been treating me kindly, and I inevitably see their flaws over all the years and under their influence. If any of them, except for the baby girl, appear in my life and I have a choice to involve them in my life, I will definitely not choose them to be in life. They possess the qualities and personalities I would like to warn myself not having.
My mum is very stubborn and unfortunately I see some parts of her in me. I am not very good at forgiving and making up relationships with people. I have ruined a couple of relationships with others (okay, three), I can't tolerate anyone who shows the slightest attempt to hurt me. I will walk away without hesitation and become extremely defensive.
My mum gets offended easily, and I pick that up too. It seems unnecessary at times as a careless comments can upset us, being oversensitive is painful. She is a constant reminder that I need to be forgiving and tolerant and patient to others.
My relationship with my mum is a reversed attachment. She becomes very dependent on me. From the outside you might not be able to see it, as it seems that she takes care of my daily life. She tidies up my room, cooks for me, reminds me to sleep early and to bring my umbrella when it is raining outside. To be honest, I don't need of these albeit kind deeds. She needs me to be her child, if you don't know what I mean, you are lucky. She doesn't see me as an adult, she wants me to be dependent, obedient and do as she says. I am grown out of this parent-child relationship and desire a change to an adult-adult relationship and she is reluctant to. I tell her to respect my opinions and yet she doesn't seem to listen and it is frustrating. I have given up already, if that makes her happy, I can play this role, to be her child. The only trouble is, I plan to leave my home country and live somewhere else. She is not willing to leave, just as people age, they become resistant to changes in life. I don't want to leave her alone, as my brother does not play the child any longer and he and my mum doesn't get along. I will have to stay until my mum passes away. It sounds cold isn't it? To wait until she passes away, but trust me, I will feel very upset when she really does.
I don't talk to my brother often, he is 12 years older than me. We have a huge generation gap. We have been separated a couple of years when I was around 12. As I moved to another city with my mum and he was left in my hometown. My brother is over-confident and he thinks highly of himself. He always wants to be right and in fact he makes a lot of bad decisions. We don't understand each other, for him, I might just be a person with a degree. He doesn’t understand what it means to be a postgraduate student, to be a researcher, all he knows is my degree should correspond with my salary. I resent him for that, as he refuses to take the responsibility to take care of mum. He always expects me to take care of mum, when he clearly was capable to. I said was as he gets into a huge financial crisis with the outbreak of COVID. Back in the days when he was able to do so, he spent a lot of many on his ex-girlfriend who just wanted his money and walked right away when he's broke. Anyhow, I am ready to take care mum and I am willing to. He is just one example of why you need to be careful of who you choose to have a family with. If you are not careful, they might be dragging you down and get you into a really bad situation.
Growing up in a family with low social status, I am very alert to my decisions. As I know, if I choose the wrong person, or make a bad investment, no one will be able to save me. I can only rely on myself. That's the biggest lesson I have learned, also, I need be a better person and grow out of the biological influence of my parent and my family's influence in the way they educated me and the ideologies they instilled me.
My perspective...
Family is everything to me. I am extremely close to my immediate family, including my grandparents, my brother, and my mom.
While many of my friends seem to spend less and less time with their parents, siblings, or other extended family during emerging adulthood, the complete opposite is true for me.
Since I was 13, me and my younger brother have lived with my nana and papa. When I started college at UofM, it was a really difficult transition. I missed the daily interactions we had, whether that be making breakfast together in the morning or watching a movie together after dinner. It was really difficult for me to be away from home during the first year or so. During my teenage years, I relied on my grandparents and brother for most of my support and companionship. Rather than being really close with friends growing up, I was super tight with my family and relied heavily on them for social connection.
When I left for college, my grandparents also felt the impact of me leaving, so they'd come and pick me up every weekend. This lasted all throughout college. It definitely got easier to be apart, and some weekends I would stay at school, but I would return home at least once or twice a month to visit with them, my brother, and my dogs. It felt like a no brainer to come home at every chance I got.
When COVID-19 hit, I moved back home and did school virtually. It was honestly so nice to be with my family full-time again. I really appreciated spending that entire year with my grandparents and brother, especially because it was such a traumatic time for everyone. I am really grateful that I lived with positive family members during the pandemic, as I know that wasn't the case for everyone.
I am extremely close with my grandparents. My nana is like my best friend. I tell her everything. She is my rock and has always provided me with the stability and love that kept me grounded and secure. She is someone I look up to in so many ways, especially because she is such a selfless, loving, and wise woman. My papa is also someone I look up to and respect so much. He is the kindest man out there; he's done so much for his family and he loves us unconditionally. I am so grateful for the sacrifices my grandparents have made for me and my brother. I truly feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have them in my life.
As for my brother, well, he is my absolute best friend. He's four years younger than me, but our age difference doesn't stop us from being extremely close. We bonded so much when our parents went through a high conflict divorce when I was 7. Our father was abusive, so we always stuck together throughout our entire childhood.
We remain best friends to this day, even though my brother is slowly gaining independence from me as he enters emerging adulthood himself. In many ways, I was like a mother to him, so it's been hard to let go of that "parenting" role while he grows up and separates himself from me. I've had to do a lot of self-reflection and realize that I am not responsible for him anymore (not that I ever really was, I just always made sure to watch over him.) I've always felt a huge responsibility to be right there for him, but now that he is reaching adulthood and making a life of his own, I understand that I should be able to do the same.
I am also really close with my mom. It wasn't always this way, as we had some really rough patches while I was a teen. The divorce was super difficult for us both, and things were generally really hard. I harbored a lot of resentment, anger, and disappointment for many years. Once we started seeing each other more regularly, which happened when I was around 19, we were able to begin working on our strained relationship. The time we spent apart helped give us space to heal, so when we finally spent an extended time together, we were able to truly begin the process of moving forward.
During my emerging adult, my mom has been there for me and provided me with a ton of support and love. During the last couple years of college, we'd talk often and I began to visit with her on breaks. While we don't always see eye to eye, I know that we will always be there for each other and continue to strengthen our relationship over time.
I'm also really close with my extended family on my mom's side. My godmother has always been there for me since I was young and I have grown to appreciate her even more as an adult. She's like a second mom to me and I am so grateful for her love through the years. The same goes for my other aunts, uncles, cousins, and family. I am so thankful for the people that have been there for me. While I missed out on a lot of support from my dad's side, especially in recent years, the love I get from the family I do have in my life is more than enough.
One of the biggest lessons I've learned about family is that it is such a beautiful thing when it works well. Not all family relationships are healthy, so when that's the case, it's okay to cut ties and end the relationship if it's hurting you. I have also learned how important family can be in helping you grow; I would not be the person I am today without the love, support, sacrifice, time, and energy that was given to me by my close family members. They make me feel happy, loved, and important, which is more than I could ask for. Knowing that I'll always have my loved ones in my corner as I grow into my adult life is something I thank God for every day.